I have no heart to put my feelings into a concrete shape,I am fearful for some reason,yet, if I don't pour my heart out,I might get choked.I could have shared my feelings/experience there and then itself,but the effect of that incident left me numb.I simply start questioning our existence on this earth.I must speak fast lest I lose courage again.

I witnessed some horrific scenes,that taught me many lessons of life,I saw the scenes of life and death simultaneously occuring together on 26/11 at Mumbai's Cama hospital.Yes,I witnessed the terrorist attack at Cama hospital and ohhh God !!!!!! I have not been able to sleep. It keeps haunting me again and again. I saw a woman in labour pains at the hospital,whose newborn was forced to go back into  the womb when she pushed him/her out.

See Im stuck again. I can't write.Its traumatic.But I realised,unless I empty myself out I won't have peace. It happened like this that I had a word with someone at the canteen of Bhatia Hospital,who told me there could be a bone bank at Cama Hospital. My husband was scheduled to be operated on 28th Nov for radiation necrosis,which infected his skull bone badly.I decided not to tell my husband,as I usually hide such inormation,which I feel will be stressful to him.I reached Cama hospital around 8.50 pm and looked for blood bank as I assumed I could ask people directions to the bone bank. I was told they had no idea,so I set to ask some more people and wandered from one block to another. Just then,I accidentally reached pre natal department and was thinking how these women are carrying another life in their wombs and how in a short while they are going to give birth to new life,to new hope and maybe to a new  great soul.... little knowing that in just a few minutes I am going to witness a nude death dance at a place where new life comes into being. I simply asked a nurse about the bone bank,to which she politely assured to help  by making a phone call to the superintendent of the hospital. I waited impatiently ( was in a hurry to go back )pacing up and down for her to finish the work and make an enquiry.Just then I heard shooting which sounded like crackers thereafter bringing in a rush of the staff and patients rushing towards the rooms announcing a terrorist attack........... Would you believe me,my first reaction was what the hell? Why people are running away from them,lets fight and face them? Not realising like a fool,they were armed and all of us were unarned,helpless. In that rush,I dont remember how and when I entered the most prohibited area,the labour room.I heard screams everywhere which gradually faded down and it was then that I realised,it was no filmy scene,it was real.We were in danger.About to lose our lives,maybe. I slowly made my way and sneaked in the adjoining area,witnessing a woman in acute labour pains.Doctors,nurses trying to sshh her. I became a statue with no life in my legs. Suddenly some almirahs etc were pushed and the door was blocked,just then, the woman mouth was covered by a nurse's hand,lest she scream and invite danger for herself and others. ......she was on the last few moments of labour, despite doctor gesturing her to take deep breaths, unsuccessful effort to make her forget the oncoming spasm........lo and behold, she gave the final push and quicker than her, the baby was pushed back in the womb  !!! A life was refused entry. ..even though by few minutes/ hours .....I felt dizzy and lost my senses. The moment  my mind regained sense It seemed I cease to exist, I was blank and I am blank. ..... can't write anymore ....... and I can't write..............I must stop now .
Written on 28.11.2008 at Bhatia Hospital, Lower Parel ,Mumbai
Spell check 29.3.17....PHEW  ,!,

Hi there,

After a BIG gap again. Wondering whats stopping me ? My own inconsistencies ,irregularities or my dedicated attitude towards responsibilities ? Yes that ! and only that !
Witnessed today afternoon itself, when i thought I nearly lost all my life savings in the form of my educational certificates, marksheets,degrees. My only proof of being educated, or is it highly educated ? Well ....proving to be illeterate than ever with my adherence to duty bearing all crosses on my tender shoulders.... as if there's someone to bear them for me ?? Ha ha ha

I plan to use his blog as my personal diary, too much to vent out,thats why. Cant be same lovey dovey, formal self,what with all the slaps life has been showering me with. I was such a woman,who would express the redness/pink effect on cheeks as my coyness,blushing or just my great DNA, which were actually the slaps showered by life . Only some can do it, I agree. Only some are blessed with this transformation of a slap's redness into the sign of riches,prosperity and extreme joyful life....hahahahaha again !!!

Both the lives need immediate attention, extreme care, maybe an ICU will do for both. At times seems my personal life is on life support system,then it feels nooooo, the professional life is on ventilator too. In fact, both have great bonding, great closeness, and ohhoooo so much of love shared between the two that, when one is sick or gets admitted in hospital, the other one follows immediately ( read slow, emphasizing on i..m..m..e..... ly ). They want to be on the beds next to each other in an ICU.Its unmatched and unbeleievd by many,almost all who know me. Because it doesnt show,the facade is different from the real happenings.

I must start a blog for women entrepreneur and challenges faced by them in their day to day working. Government wants all revenues the same way, what about the obstacles and hurdles that come across a woman who is working, just because she is a woman ! whoa ! 

Let's not cage the love,spread it !!

Let's not cage the love,spread it !!

Seems like ages,decades when I remembered that I have a Blog too.... That too suddenly suggested by my Sweetheart daughter Rakshika,that why don't I start a Blog,a diary to pen down my thoughts ? And see,this is what reminded me that I DO HAVE a BLOG started in Oct 2007. It was 21st Oct 2007 ,little did I know that I am going to loose my Mom the same day exactly after three years !!! 21st Oct 2010. As I write this,there is advertisement where Amitabh Bachchan says....Maa Baap kahi jaate nahi, yahin rehte hein, sadiyon ke liye .....how true it is !!!

Well,am glad atleast I got this blog back to life with Rakshika's help ofcourse,who now is an expert in technology much ahead of me :)))
So much has passed,so much has changed,so much has been wasted  these five years. Emotions,feelings,health,relationships,looks.....all have changed,for good I would say :)))

Because you could articulate our thoughts so well,we thank you for doing the rest for our Saurav.Because we are not on cricketnext as a columnist,we fall short of expressing in totality to our dear Saurav.Because we are not so experienced as you are,you take the driver's seat.Because,other than not having six pack abs at Lords' then,our Saurav seemed not to feel ashamed this time on his final day at Nagpur at opening his shirt and exposing an exercise - starved tummy to all his fans.Because,finally a 'Dada' will always be seen as a 'Dada' and a 'Maharaja' will remain a 'Maharaja' despite stepping down the thrown. Our Salute to the one and only Saurav Ganguly....... ( my comments to Sanjay Jha at cricketnext on the blog Goodbye Ganguly,dt 16th Nov'08).

We see the Maharaja in a new role now. He is Saurav Gugli instead of Ganguly,now as a columnist with some leading newspapers.Going through his today's column in Mid day Sports Mumbai, makes me see the other side of Dada who has a wavering heart, a Dada with a difference.....

Why have I started feeling scared of words,specially when it comes to put them in black n white? On a piece of paper or on the screen of a laptop/computer like I am doing just now?Why this brain starts sending signals.........tomorrow....? Hahaha I never thought I am a writer,but ofcourse I wanna be one. I feel if I start thinking and then writing it signals.....SSSSSSSSSTOP,that is one of the reasons of not writing a WORD on the blog since almost a year ! I told myself,its easier to write than to speak words. Atleast when you are writing you can make corrections and edit ,its less dangerous....believe me.

I am trying to fall into a pattern of writing just to ensure that I don't totally give up on writing. You know I can easily give up or keep procrastinating writing,but the flow of thoughts continously keeps me awake and desirous of writing them on. See,the moment I begin to think and write I slow down,and when I am just playing with key pads ,they are like the notes of a Piano,sounding melodious and sweet.I have no idea where to start and where to end,its a journey that I am keen to undertake ,unfortunately where do I wish to go? Whats my destination? I have a strong hope in my heart with confidence that some day while trying my hand ( please read fingers) I will come to know my destination,i e what do I want to write about? How I want to? Here again,this HOW TO cannot be checked,I mean controlled? Once you start controlling How to write,it sure is going to kill the originality,no?