It seems im never gonna learn,no ?whenevr i plan to write a blog something or the other goes wrong. Either I dont feel like,there's a disturbance from someone or the words just dont seem to stay on the screen. I wonder why words play a hide n seek with me and now for sure they are as its been ages since i penned down ANY of my feelings,experiences. The ideas keep floating in the mind but Mr mind refuses to bring it out or rather i should say vomit the words out,fearing I might create the best works in the world,,,,,,,,,,maybe.....hahahaha I wish someday these blabbers only become sooooooooooo popular that ah...............

now i wanna sleep,yet i must write.... let me try

u know my heart,where am i at this moment while writing the blog? Well,well my darling baby,u r with me in my body,beating as rythymically as u can and u know where are we? Right? We are at Bhatia hospital in room no 310,sitting by ailing ajay's side. He has been operated today morning for radiation necrosis derived disease called Ostomylittes( hope the spelling is correct ). I had blank heart and blank mind in the morning. I was praying and not praying to God for a successful operation. You can say I had numb feelings. I sort of became a Drishta in all this episode,sitting totally composed in the waiting room with an office staff and a domestic help that I have brought from Udaipur. In between I could feel the lump in my throat which indicated that my heart,that is,you my dear,wanted to cry out something. I decided to come to the room and unbottle my wind up tears.This is what I did and felt slightly better,meanwhile asking why am I crying?But I did.Neways. Waiting for the doctor to come out and announce that the surgery is over,I stopped the flow of tears many times very successfully,but God knows how this happened ?A lady came n sat on the chair close to me,at that moment my struggle to fight the tears was in full swing,I dont know why I couldn't stop.......ok? Now I remember it was coz I came to know that the surgery was over and successful by some ward boys etc who wanted some inaam also. I told Uma pratap,our office assistant to give them 100 rupees and maybe that was the moment I couldnt control the cork of the emotive bottle....I had tears trying 2 hide from the world and what do I notice this lady sitting close to me also starting to sob for whatever reasons. I had no heart to look at her tearful eyes coz I knew if I do so I would be uncontrollable and uncontrollable I was when Vijaya,Ajay's sis came and gave me a hug............. I was okay after a while....

These tears force me to think is it compassion I feel for Ajay ? Is it coz he 's my kids father and I want him to live? or is it love? No idea.

Im nursing him since the whole day AND also feeling sorry to see him lying like this in the bed,cant help it...

At this moment I am sitting in d dark so many typing errors which will be edited later and will be excused also.......like all my errors done all my life have been excused by God........are they?

One more thing I felt strongly was a relation, a companionship kinda feeling 4 the woman who started sobbing after seeing tears in my eyes. U know only women are capable of having such sponge like feelings that they get upset and rememember their own pains and sorrows.

This rishta also reminded me of whatever mumbaikars are feeling at the moment,people trapped in terrorist attacks at Oberoi,Taj and Nariman point. We human beings are endowed witth such beautiful hearts why dont we take care of our hearts?

I would like 2 plan out a strategy for NSG,Police and Security forces......please plan out a crisis management plan atleast u save some lives if u cant fight/eliminate terrorism. Atleast equip yourself in fighting it thoroughly without spending 48 hrs on it and wasting sooooooo much of ammunition in aimless shootings..........

ok my back is aching now

must sleep

hey when will I write about my baby..................ooooooooooo such lovely feelings I never had.........God I soon will,hope I remember everything as vividly as im doing this now.

ok bye